When Grandparents Get Hit With the News of a Child’s Chronic Illness

There are moments in life you never forget.

Birthdays. Weddings. The first time your toddler says “I love you”.

And then there’s the moment you call your parents and tell them that their grandchild has a chronic illness.

Grandparents Grieve Too.

When they hear the diagnosis, their world tilts. They worry. They panic. They imagine your pain, the child’s pain, and then immediately try to fix every single thing, including things that cannot be fixed.

That’s when the frustration starts.

• “Are you sure she’s not just being dramatic?”

• “You’re focusing too much on her… the other kids are basically raising themselves.”

• “In my day we didn’t have all these issues…”

• “Maybe it’s the gluten. Or the iPad. Or the humidity. Or the alignment of Jupiter.”

They’re not trying to be hurtful.

They’re trying to cope.

Their hearts are breaking, and it leaks out as advice, judgment, and unsolicited theories about digestion and cosmic energy.

Meanwhile… Back at Ground Zero

As the parent, you’re juggling:

• the actual sick child

• the siblings who still need lunches, shoes, love, and reminders not to forget their backpacks before they leave for school

• the appointments

• the paperwork

• the anxiety

• the grief

• the logistics of keeping six children and your sanity alive at the same time

So when a well-meaning grandparent says:

 “Are you sure this isn’t just attention-seeking?”

It hits like a gut punch.

Because what they don’t see is that you’re holding your child’s hand while they’re in pain and scheduling three specialists and answering school emails and negotiating who gets the blue cup and trying very hard not to cry in the grocery store next to the cucumbers.

It’s hard. It’s lonely.

And sometimes grandparents… even with the deepest love… make it harder.

But they also matter. 

A lot.

So how do we hold them close… without letting their fear or unfiltered commentary make an already difficult situation worse?

Here are some ways to Support Grandparents Through the Diagnosis (While Keeping Boundaries Intact)

1. Acknowledge their grief, even if it looks messy.

Say something like:

“I know this is hard for you too. We’re all adjusting, and it’s okay to feel scared.”

Most grandparents aren’t trying to criticize. They’re trying to cope with their own heartbreak.

2. Give them information… in digestible doses.

Too much medical info overwhelms them.

Too little makes them fill in the gaps with… imaginative creativity and lots of googling.

Try sending short updates:

• upcoming appointments

• treatment changes

• what the child actually needs today

It keeps them involved without drowning them.

3. Create a ‘helping lane’ that fits their strengths.

Not everyone needs to be the researcher or the emotional support hotline.

Give them a role:

• Grandparents who love kids? Playtime with siblings (or virtual face time if they are far away)

• Organized grandparents? Paperwork, rides, cooking

• Emotionally intuitive ones? Check-ins, little love notes, phone calls

People shine when they know how to help. Boundaries help A LOT.

4. Set boundaries with love and firmness.

“Yes, I hear you. No, she’s not being dramatic.”

 “I know you’re worried, but comparisons aren’t helpful.”

Repeat gently. Repeat often.

 Think of it like emotional physical therapy.

5. Encourage them to build their own support system.

Grandparents need:

• friends

• community

• a therapist, rabbi, or mentor

• people who listen to them

Because if they don’t have emotional outlets, all that pressure lands… on you.

6. Give them scripts that actually help.

Grandparents sometimes default to fear-based commentary because they don’t know what else to say.

Give them options:

• “How can I support you today?”

• “You’re doing an incredible job.”

• “This must be so hard. I love you.”

• “What’s one task I can take off your plate this week?”

7. Remind them they are loved… Even when it’s not about them.

Because they are loved.

Even when they’re frustrating. Even when they say the wrong thing. Even when they’re grieving out loud while you’re trying to make dinner and stop your toddler from eating Play-Doh (again).

Grandparents are part of the compassion continuum.

They just need a little guidance on staying in the right lane.

A Message for Grandparents…

You matter. We need you. We want you close.

But we also need you to understand that this life; cystic fibrosis, chronic pain, diabetes, daily treatments, exhaustion… is not a phase. It’s the terrain of our family.

And what we need most is not panic or pressure… but presence. Kindness. Stability. 

And a willingness to learn how to walk this road with us.

We’re not looking for perfection. Just understanding and patience.