Mentalization: The Superpower that Builds Connection

And why our community desperately needs to learn more about it.

Last week, I watched a mom in the grocery store slowly and quietly lose her sanity in front of the cereal aisle. She maintained Olympic level determination the entire time, I’ll give her that. 

Her toddler, who clearly had some sort of chronic illness requiring an ostomy bag, was mid–public meltdown in the shopping cart while the baby strapped to her in a sling was screaming bloody murder (I assume she was teething or something), and she had the exhausted “I have not slept since the Obama administration” look.

An older woman walked by me, eyes wide and glaring, and whispered in Hebrew something like, “Uch, she needs to discipline that one.”

She kept walking and I didn’t think fast enough to respond. But what I should have said is, “No, sweetie… She needs a nap, a hug, a massage, two weeks at a spa, and a miracle.” 

It shouldn’t be that hard to give someone the benefit of the doubt these days knowing what motherhood is like in general, let alone having a child who clearly has needs beyond the scope of regular parenting (and I’m assuming by the way her mitpachat was tied and her age, that she has a husband who has been called away a lot for miluim). Who knows if she also had a few more children aside from these two. I should have gone up to her to ask her if she needed help. I should have at least offered her comfort in some way. But I froze up. I missed an opportunity to help her. 

But the moment stuck with me. And maybe, just maybe, I can redeem myself in some way and indirectly help her, and hopefully other people like her, with this blog post. 

The Power of Mentalization

There is a psychological concept developed by Peter Fonagy and Anthony Bateman; a superpower you can gain when you have been working on your mental health and emotional wellness for a while. It can be hard for some people to access and understand fully at first, but it simply means:

Realizing other people have inner worlds as rich and complicated as yours. And you don’t need to have all the details at hand to assume that, as Brene Brown put it, “they are doing the best they can with the tools they are given”. 

Mentalization is the ability to pause and say:

• “What might they be feeling in this moment?”

• “What might they be thinking as they are going through this clearly difficult situation?”

• “What might be happening underneath that I can’t see?”

It’s the piece our community often forgets when someone else’s life looks “fine” from the outside and on the opposite extreme, when it seems like a family is falling out of alignment with the community.

A story we all know too well…

A father and husband who generally shows up early and is known to be a pillar of a particularly small community shows up very late to shul three shabbat mornings in a row after missing minyan a bunch of times throughout the month. When he does show up, his eyes are glassed over and his head is clearly somewhere else. His wife has not been seen at all, by anyone, in over a month. His kids have been acting out in school. People are whispering. Rumors are spreading.

Except…

What no one knows is that they spent the entire month rotating hospital shifts for a child with a chronic condition while the other parent is at home taking care of the day-to-day parenting of the rest of the kids, trying not to fall apart in front of them. Neither of them have been able to work normal hours, their jobs are being threatened. Each of them try sneaking in 20-minute naps throughout each day since neither one of them have slept more than 2 or 3 hours a night in months. They are not ready to tell people about what they are going through, which means that help is not being offered.They have been desperately praying for one normal morning.

If you saw them without knowing what was going on, there are so many assumptions that  would naturally be made. 

But why would we not just assume that something is going on with them and have compassion for whatever they are going through? Because when we don’t practice mentalization, it's very normal and human to fill the silence with assumptions.

And without that honed skill, our assumptions are almost always wrong, and usually unkind.

What’s the difference between Mentalization vs. “Giving the Benefit of the Doubt”

Same vibe, totally different depth.

People often assume Mentalization is just a nicer way of saying, “Give people the benefit of the doubt.”  But here’s there are a few major differences:

Benefit of the Doubt = Generosity of Assumption

This is when you say:

• “He probably didn’t mean it.”

• “She’s probably having a bad day.”

• “I’m sure there’s a good reason.”

It’s lovely. It’s kind. It’s a great first response.

But it’s also one-sided and non-specific. You’re not imagining the real story, you’re simply choosing not to assume the worst.

It doesn’t deepen your understanding of the person. It’s simply kindness (which isn’t a bad thing. It’s just not the deeper skill we’re going for that helps connect people in the long run.)

Mentalization = Curiosity + Imagination + Emotional Insight

Mentalization goes much deeper.

Instead of just saying, “I’m sure they didn’t mean it,” you slow down and ask:

• “What fear, stress, or hope might be driving this?”

• “What inner thoughts, beliefs or intentions led to this behavior?”

• “How might this moment look from their perspective?”

While benefit of the doubt makes space, mentalization fills the space with understanding.

Benefit of the Doubt helps you.

Mentalization helps the relationship.

Benefit of the doubt keeps you from getting annoyed.

Mentalization helps you connect.

Benefit of the doubt stops judgment.

Mentalization builds compassion.

Benefit of the doubt prevents conflict.

Mentalization strengthens bonds.

One clears the path.

The other walks it.

Benefit of the doubt is a moral choice.

Mentalization is relational. 

Benefit of the doubt is about being a better person.

Mentalization is about becoming a better partner, parent, neighbor, and community member. Someone who actually cares to understand what others are going through.

How do we develop Mentalization skills?

1. Stay Curious. Instead of rushing to judgement, think “Hmm… I wonder…”

   This simple phrase changes everything.

• “Hmm… I wonder why he snapped at his kid in the playground.”

• “Hmm… I wonder what she’s holding that I can’t see.”

• “Hmm… I wonder what kind of week they had.”

This curiosity softens us. It makes us slower to judge and quicker to care. And we don’t need to know the real answers unless they are offered to us. 

2. Improve on the stories you make up in your head (and help your kids with this too). 

We all make up stories about what other people are thinking or about why they are doing the things they are doing. Try reframing the stories both for yourself and for your kids. 

“See that boy who looks annoyed at me and I did nothing wrong. There is something seriously wrong with him” becomes “I wonder if that boy had a really hard morning.”

“See that woman who looks grumpy? She has issues.” becomes “Maybe she didn’t sleep last night. It’s not about me.”

Kids learn compassion and empathy the same way they learn everything else; from repetition. This practice will help everyone build mentalization muscles. 

3. Validate. Don’t try to solve

When someone is struggling and they do share with you about it, don’t jump into:

“Have you tried…?”

 Instead say:

“That sounds unbelievably hard. I’m so glad you told me.”

Validation is emotional oxygen. We all inhale it gratefully. Unsolicited advice usually shuts down communication and leaves the other person feeling judged or misunderstood. 

Because here’s the truth... Our community is filled with heroes:

• Parents caring for medically complex kids

• Adults navigating quiet mental health battles

• Families juggling crises with grace nobody sees

• Children holding fears they can’t articulate

• Caregivers running on fumes

• People whose pain lives behind closed doors

And so often, we don’t even know.

Mentalization asks us to widen our hearts.

To tilt our heads and ask a kinder question.

To stop assuming and start wondering.

To become the kind of community where no one suffers in silence and everyone feels held.